She wanted me to teach her how to know what she wanted in bed.
That was the first of many times I’d come to hear that kind of question from women young and old who have been so discouraged from prioritizing their own sexual pleasure.
Studies show that most rapists are perfectly aware their victims aren’t into what’s happening.
And social science has also clearly demonstrated that men (and women!
The book is framed around the idea of affirmative consent — that “no means no” is not enough, and only a freely given, enthusiastic “yes” counts when it comes to sex.
As the interview wound down, the reporter, a young woman, asked me the surprisingly personal question off the record.
We teach them fire safety every year starting in kindergarten, and build on that knowledge with regular drills, until responding to the threat of fire becomes second nature.One of the sexiest movies in recent memory — — shows a man breathlessly asking another man if he can kiss him.It is scorchingly hot.) We already prioritize educating kids on safety outside the realm of sexuality.Take the risk of getting injured in a fire: In any given year, around 3 percent of US school-aged kids will encounter a fire at school.The odds of a student being injured in one of those fires are so small as to be functionally zero.Whether you turn to abstinence propagandists, mainstream pop culture, or free internet porn to fill in those gaps, you’re likely to wind up with an incredibly narrow and bankrupt idea of how sex works, one that positions men as sexual actors, women as the (un)lucky recipients of men’s desire, and communication of consent as lethal to both boners and romance.(That’s not to say there aren’t a few good models out there for those who seek them out.But if you’ve been raised to think of sex as a battle of the sexes, or a business deal in which men “get some” and women either “give it up” or “save it” for marriage, it can still be a jarring idea, like suggesting to someone that there’s something they could breathe other than air.In the absence of comprehensive, pleasure-based sex ed, we rely on media and other cultural institutions to model what sex should be like.They knew that a woman who is lying still and not participating in sex is a woman who isn’t consenting. Affirmative consent, when taught well, also removes heteronormative assumptions from sex ed.If we’re each equally responsible to make sure our partner is enthusiastic about what’s happening, gender stereotypes — such as that women are passive and men are aggressive — about sexuality begin to break down.